I took a nap today before work and had a dream that I was on a cruise ship and I could hear this song vibrating loudly through the cruise ship walls as I inspected Olympic size swimming pools. I followed the sound and sure enough Les Claypool (the lead bassist and singer) was there. He was sitting at a desk playing a recording of his song. There were a few fans around and he was cuing them on when to shout some lyrics with the recording. I looked around and there were various insturments laying around. I asked where the drum set was and he pointed and said, “over there!” so I walked down the hall and there were various “music rooms”…one for guitar one for bass, one for drum. I was so overwhelmed with all the equipment, amps, speakers, instruments, etc. I fell on the floor in envy and thought, OMG he has it all, he has it all!!! I started weeping and my Cubby cat’s meow, and yes, I was weeping in my sleep. LOL 😀 !!! This song had been playing the whole time in my dream. I had posted this in my Facebook before, but I had to listen to it after I woke up and hear it again. Of course I was blurting it out obnoxiously at work when it was not busy and customers were not in the store. A couple co-workers thought it funny.

All Its Parts Wanted to be Boss…

THE BRAIN SAID : Since I control everything and do all the work I should be boss.

THE FEET SAID: Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him to do what the Brain wants, I should be boss.

THE HANDS SAID: Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep all the rest of you going, I should be boss.

THE EYES SAID: Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where danger lurks, I should be boss.

And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, and the Lungs.

Finally the @sshole spoke up and demanded that he be boss. All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of an @sshole being boss.

The @sshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at his side, the Heart and Lungs struggled to keep going.

All pleaded with the Brain to relent and let the @sshole be boss, and so it happened. All parts did the work and the @sshole just bossed and passed out a lot of ****.

MORAL: You don’t have to be a brain to be boss, just an @sshole.

You are driving in a car at a constant speed.On your left side is a ‘drop off’ , (The ground is 18-24 inches below the level you are traveling on), and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you …

In front of you is a galloping horse , which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it .

Behind you is a galloping zebra . Both the horse and zebra are also traveling at the same speed as you .

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation.

SCROLL DOWN

Get off the merry-go-round; you’re drunk!!

times are hard
emotions are strong
buz of golden heaven
time’s so far gone…

but who are we to say where we go
when we hit the floor we’ll never even know.
our bodies are lost in a scence of darkness
no vision past this hell below.

time moves so much slower…
everything slows down
but all of our thought are racing
until we hit the ground.

we can’t control what
we don’t understand…
our brains are shut off
by demons’ demands.

what have we messed up
what has gone wrong
our lives are false truths
of golden liquid songs.

times moves so much slower…
everything slows down
but all of our thoughts are racing
until we hit the ground.

the lights are off
the sun has gone
the night is here
we are done

i will share with you my story
my fable of a life undone
by liquid golden sunshine
misery i have won.

time moves so much slower…
everything slows down
but all of our thoughs are racing
until we hit the ground…

it moves so much slower
we all slow down
our minds are still racing
untill we hit the ground

there’s no going back now
we’ve messed up once again
our disease controls us one more time
our blood is full of sin

time moves so much slower…
everything slows down.
but all of our thoughts are racing

until we hit the ground…

by RandiAllenEdge

Rt. Hon Andy Burnham MP, MINISTER FOR HEALTH is awoken at 4am by the telephone.

“Sorry to bother you sir at this hour but there is an emergency!! We’ve just received word that the Durex Condom factory in Liverpool has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire English supply of condoms will be gone by the end of the week.”

“Sh*t !!” says Mr Burnham, “The economy will never be able to cope with all those unwanted babies…. We’ll be ruined. We’re going to have to ship some in from France then ? ”

“Bad idea! The frogs will have a field day on this one, but what about Scotland, maybe they’ll have some.” says the caller.

“I’ll call Alex Salmond, the Scottish First Minister and tell him we need five million condoms, each one ten inches long and three inches thick. That way they’ll continue to respect the English”

Three days later a delighted Andy Burnham MP runs out to open the first of the boxes that arrive.

He finds five million condoms:

10 inches long, 3 inches thick, all coloured blue and white with small writing on each one.

These are video’s of all the grasshoppers we have here at the house.

What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me (and I’m sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:
Me: Hello

AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T….

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T….

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T….

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?

Me: May I ask who is calling?

AT&T: This is AT&T.

Me: OK, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

Me: Hello?

AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?

Me: May I ask who is calling please?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T….

Me: Is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T….

Me: This is AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?

Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: The phone company?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

Me: I already have a phone.

AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Salem.

Me: Well, whatever it is, I’m really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying “I’m really not interested”, but this lady was persistent.

AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word “rate”. I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!

Me: 7 days a week?

AT&T: That’s right.

Me: 365 days a year?

AT&T: Yes, sir.

Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That’s amazing!! AT&T: We think so!

Me: That’s quite a sum of money!

AT&T: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.

Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a

cash advance?

AT&T: Excuse me?

Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

AT&T: What are you talking about?

Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

Me: Wait a minute here! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but….

Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for….

Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!? AT&T: Sir, I don’t think that is necessary.

Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What?

Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food…….

Supervisor: Mr. Salem?

Me: Yeth?

Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)

Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little brother………

AT&T: (click)

Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ….. Click…………
Or My Other Favorite… Are you single? Click…………

More to come

Here are several pictures of art and exhibits a the Houston Fine Arts Museum.